Our baby girl turns one today!
I have a difficult time believing that all of this happened a year ago.
(although, actually, I kind of can believe it. Just look at me. All I can think of is “Oh hello, hot mess” and “Poor past Melissa and past Josh. Just make it through the first 12 weeks and you’ll be OK! It get’s easier. Sort of.”)
It’s hard to begin to sum up this past year and really, I don’t think that I can accurately, or eloquently, do that. It has been the hardest of times, the tiredest of times, the most confusing of times, the most frustrating of times, and absolutely the most joyous of times. People say “cherish this” and “you’re not going to get this time back” which is all, of course, true. I can confidently say I cherished the crap out of year one. Whenever there was a moment of hesitation to whether I should put my baby down or hold her or if I was freaking out about a “nap schedule”, I told myself “she is only this tiny, my baby, for so long.” Even if we are blessed with a second baby, it won’t be the same as this. I’ve put the dishes down, slacked on the laundry, and our carpet was not vacuumed nearly enough. It was all worth it. And I have realized that even though I have cherished it, I am still allowed to miss it. For some reason, before, that wasn’t allowed in my brain. “I soaked it all up so that’s that. I can rid my hands of any future ‘missing’ of any sort.” Crazy talk. Furthermore, I’ve realized there is a difference between missing it/remembering fondly and dwelling in the fact that she is growing up. I had a good friend tell me “People have babies and then are sad when they grow up. It doesn’t make sense. They’re babies. They grow up.” It didn’t sound that harsh in person but that was the gist of it. And it’s just true. They grow up. There is a tension between “dwelling that the past is over” and “so ready to get them to __ stage ‘”. I think thats what I’m trying to say. My remedy for that is to stop. Stop and just take in all of the goodness that is the current stage, while also being cognizant of the fact that tomorrow they will be just a bit bigger.
Watching her grow and learn to do things as simple as rolling over, turning a page, signing “more”, and walking backwards is so exciting. My husband and I have to objectively talk about the last time we posted a picture or video and make sure we’re not bombarding peoples news feeds. Lillian is so much fun to play with and it’s so gratifying to re learn things with her. Oh that door does open and close. Buckets are fun to put stuff into and then carry around the house. Wrigley does not need help eating his food (we have to relearn that one every.single. day.). Splashing water really is worthy of laughing about.
Side note: Watching your husband be a father is probably the most attractive thing ever. ever ever. He is so gentle, kind, and loving yet firm. Just like a good daddy should be. I have loved seeing a whole new side of Josh emerge. Plus he’s just hot.
Although this birthday is bittersweet, it is mostly sweet. Lil has become such a curious, silly, and sweet little girl. I am so excited to see how she continues to learn. One thing I forgot to mention in her birth story is that our nurse, Kay, said we should name her “Lillian Sparkle” in honor of the 4th. And I have to say that may have not been a bad name, as she has quite the sparkly personality.
Lillian Grace, I could write you an essay but I will just say this. You bring unspeakable amounts of joy into our lives. We are incredibly thankful that you have been entrusted to us and that we get to call you our daughter. Happy first birthday to our sweet, sweet girl.